why dont you come to yr senses?
you been up cleaning lenses
for so long now
oh, you’re a hard one
and i know that you got the k hearts
but that band’s got some spare parts
that you should not allow

don’t you draw the king of muppets, boy
he’ll banjo if he’s able
you know the bald and husky ones are your best bets
and it seems to me, some fine things
have been laid upon your table
but with troy around, they’re things you’ll never get

your hands smell like muppet rectum,
your band and the spectrum,
they’re dragging you down.
and freedom? oh freedom,
well, that’s too abstract for drummers
just let the singers and strummers
tell you what they have found.

don’t your hands get cold in the movie booth?
the sun don’t shine there and that’s the truth
in dark room light, the night looks like the day
you’re loosin’ all your grooves and licks
ain’t it funny how your talent slips

why don’t you come to your senses?
drop your prog rock pretenses,
and open the gate.
the parking monkeys
sit in the box there above you
dont let that delmar dad shove you
come home and give us some hate.

Published in: on March 16, 2010 at 2:23 pm  Leave a Comment  


Q: Louie Shakes walked north 17 blocks and west 13 blocks to his ex-wife’s apartment in Brooklyn. He stole $65.00 from the bitch’s crib, where he also did $217.89 in damage jimmying the door open, which she had to finance on her credit card at 19.75% APR. Louie then set off to score some crystal meth from Stoney Stone Smeagol. It cost Louie $4.00 for a bus ticket from his ex-wife’s to Stoney’s apartment, $21.60 for the porno mag, smokes and pizza he bought while waiting for Smeagol to show, $30.90 for the rock itself, and $2.90 for a blowjob from a desperate crack whore he met in the stairwell on the way out. She gave him a 40% discount because she couldn’t actually get him off. He then met some brothers throwing dice in Williamstown. Louie bet the money he had leftover from his score, and made a 215% profit. He gave half of this to the cop who busted the game and threatened to haul them all downtown. How much money did Louie Shakes take home?

A: Zero, because Louie Shakes does not have a home. But the wad of crumpled bills and change he had in his pocket after his very busy day bought him a Slim Jim (Tabasco flavored), a pickled egg, and two bottles of Thunderbird from Abudinemadji’s Corner Market in Queens, and he later found a recycling bin filled with nice, clean, fresh newspaper, on which he laid his weary head at 3:00 that morning, a sweet smile of satisfaction and success on his weather-lined, dirt-stained face. It was Louie Shakes’ best day ever! At least until the night-horrors came.

Published in: on March 9, 2010 at 2:31 am  Comments (1)  

The Whatnot Scandal

Troy, NY (AP) – A newly elected city representative in the city of Troy, New York was caught on mic talking salaciously to his aide about one of his fellow conference attendees. Councilman Magnum Anvil had just given a speech reiterating his campaign promise (“A Whatnot In Every Whatnot!”) when he leaned over to campaign aide V. Gina Gnome and remarked “You see that whatnot in the second row? I totally gave his wife the whatnot last night. And you would not believe the whatnot that she whatnotted!” When asked to comment on the matter, a spokesperson for Councilman Anvil told the press, “We will not whatnot this whatnot with any whatnot. Kill a hobo.” When asked to comment on the apparent slander on hobos everywhere, Hobos United Local 371 Foreman Ol’ Dirty Piece of Strange grumbled menacingly and asked for some spare change to buy some whatnot for which to whatnot.

Published in: on January 27, 2010 at 2:04 pm  Leave a Comment